About me

I feel incredibly fortunate to be back here in Paris. I really like my apartment, especially its central location. I want to start fully embracing the potential of this place. Although Mathieu still has all his stuff here, the good news is that my sister Louise, my cousin Mathieu, and Marie-Mathilde have found an apartment where they’ll all be living together. They even have their own rooms, which was something they had to compromise on when they were struggling to find a place before.

Yesterday, we went to Alma to celebrate with Mathieu. There’s an app for content creators and influencers in Paris called Hemblem App. If a restaurant accepts your reservation through the app, they invite you in exchange for three Instagram Stories if you’re an influencer, or a video the restaurant can use on their Instagram if you’re a content creator. I love using the app to try out new places. The great thing about it is that not only can I choose which restaurants I want to visit, but the selection on Hemblem App is already pretty good, so I usually trust their recommendations.

Sometimes I start my day by asking myself, “What do I want to create today? What do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time?” I love these questions because they usually get me excited to start my day. I really look for the excitement in the things I want to do. I try to take advantage of the morning to make space and time for the things I want to do more of but haven’t had time for lately.

The problem is, I sometimes start my days with less healthy questions like, “What do I have to do today? Where do I need to be? What are my constraints?” When I ask myself these questions, I usually feel stress building up. I feel annoyed and trapped. I typically ask these questions when I haven’t planned enough in advance. When I start my day knowing I have tons to do but not exactly what, that’s when the day feels overwhelming. It’s usually the kind of day where I struggle to be productive or do anything meaningful, or where I never get to the things I really want to do.

It’s interesting how many people take time in the morning to do something for themselves. Whether it’s a workout, like it used to be for me, or writing, like it is now, I feel that this specific moment in the day is crucial for setting the right tone. You might not need to spend three hours a day on the meaningful thing you want to do—maybe just one hour is enough. What if you could squeeze it in during the morning? Wake up earlier, even if it’s challenging, but wake up excited to start your day with one clear objective. I could see myself doing that for an hour of reading each day.

I believe morning routines are essential. I think it matters less what you do during that time, because it’s so personal and can change often. I stopped working out in the morning because I felt it was taking time away from my day. When I worked out in the morning, I had to be awake enough to get through the workout. As a result, I never made myself wake up at 6:00 AM for exercise. It was always challenging, and although it got easier over time, it was still physically demanding. Despite the music, the glass of water waiting for me all night, and my healthy breakfast ready right after I put on my clothes (which were also prepared), it was tough.

While this can build discipline and be a great challenge, I’ve come to believe it’s not healthy to force things too much. When I push myself too hard, it usually doesn’t last, and I end up giving up quickly. Now, I believe it’s healthier to wake up happy and in a more aligned energy to start the day smoothly. I also wanted an activity where I felt productive and that was meaningful to me. For me, that’s writing and sharing what I write.

When I get bored of writing or feel I don’t have much interesting to share, I might switch to reading. The good thing about reading and writing is that I can do them while I’m still waking up. My reward, after starting my first productive activity and reaching my goal for the day, is a cup of coffee. After writing for about an hour, it’s the perfect time to enjoy it.

I learned from a Mel Robbins podcast episode about sleep (I can find the link later) that drinking coffee right after waking up is actually counterproductive. There’s a specific scientific reason for this. When we wake up, we still have epinephrine in our bodies, also known as the sleep hormone. That’s why we can feel a bit groggy and not fully awake. This hormone takes about one to two hours to fade away before it starts building up again, making us tired at the end of the day. The interesting part about coffee is that its caffeine doesn’t eliminate epinephrine; instead, it traps it for a few hours, tricking you into feeling energized. But once the caffeine wears off, the epinephrine is released, and you feel even more tired. This creates a vicious cycle of needing more coffee. The healthiest time to drink coffee is probably when you’re not tired.

This was a mind-blowing fact that helped me refine my morning routine, placing my coffee at the right moment and choosing the right activity to start my day happily, rather than grumpily forcing myself through an early workout on caffeine.

I hope this offers some insight. I strive to share my thoughts freely, just like in a diary, though here I’m aware it’s published, so I might hold back just a bit from being the complete health nut that I am 🙂

I’m in Grenoble at my mom’s place. Not sure if she managed to sell her flat. We had a second viewing that didn’t go well. She wasn’t sure which furniture to leave behind. We sorted it out over the weekend. The buyer just needed a bit more clarity, and my mom needed to be better prepared. Poor thing.

Plus, she just couldn’t stop. We moved furniture, cleaned the windows, and generally did everything we needed to do before she heads south for her actual move. When we finally sat down for dinner last night, she was eating at lightning speed, as usual, and then she pulled out her phone to look at flats in Nice. She got rejected for the last one she liked, and she didn’t take the news very well. It’s impossible to find something in Nice. She’s given up.

She’s going to have to stay with her parents in St Raphaël, which isn’t exactly close by, obviously. Anyway, this is just the beginning of a series of problems and questions she’s facing. Will the buyer get their mortgage approved? Will they end up buying after that botched second viewing? Will all the furniture even fit in the garage?

No matter how many times I told her there’s no decision to be made until there’s a decision to make, she kept fueling her uncertainty by asking questions that aren’t really questions. Let me explain.

“Will the buyer get their mortgage approved?” That’s not a question. It’s not even rhetorical. We have no way of knowing the answer. The best we can do is make guesses and waste time worrying. What she really meant was:

“I’m scared the buyer won’t be able to go through with the purchase. I feel guilty for not being better prepared for the second viewing, especially regarding the furniture, and I’m worried it might jeopardize the sale. I don’t know what to do with my furniture. It’s a lot of work. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need help.”

In the end, her questions were just a more indirect way of expressing an emotion. Stating it outright would have been too direct, too confrontational, not subtle enough. A question implies a response, a need, an action from the other person. Maybe it was just her way of saying, “I need you.”

After starting to read The Culture Map by Erin Meyer, I’ve realized that in France, we tend to communicate more indirectly than, say, in the US. You might find it funny, but while irony isn’t completely absent in the US, you often have to clarify it with a “just kidding.”

Similarly, I think there’s a type of question that shouldn’t be taken literally. The question can be an indirect way of making a statement. You have to read between the lines. You have to guess what’s really behind the question. When I realize someone is too tired to choose their words carefully, I reassure myself that it’s probably just a clumsy way of expressing their need for rest. In the end, there’s nothing to take personally. I often try to remind myself that I don’t know even a quarter of the truth or the context.

Anyway, I spent the weekend in Grenoble, and this afternoon I’m heading back to Paris. I’m returning to the flat I used to live in when I was a student. My cousin Mathieu stayed there during his last school year. I’d offered it to him when he came back from Singapore to start his courses at ESSEC, while I was leaving Paris to move to Bremen for my six-month final internship. He needed the flat for a whole year, so it wasn’t available when I finally decided to settle in Paris, or at least have a base there. It’s a place where I can drop my bags in France and gather all my things in one place. That’s why I’ve held onto my little studio in Paris. It’s less than 15 square meters, but since I’m pretty tidy, it works out fine. I don’t need more space. I’m happy with it. It’s a cozy little nest—sure, it’s a bit dark, but as long as I get out and catch some sunlight, like a little insect, I don’t get too depressed. It’s not a basement, after all. It’s just a flat overlooking a narrow courtyard on the first floor.

I’m looking forward to going back, but I’m waiting for my cousin to move out his things before I really settle in. He’s having trouble finding his next flat in Paris, though he wasn’t really a fan of the nest I’d left him. Too small, not enough light. Let’s just say he might not be as tidy as I am. A small space isn’t exactly ideal in that case.

He’s hoping to share a flat with my sister Louise and her friend Marie-Mathilde. Needless to say, finding a three-person flat share in Paris is a challenge. My sister, who’s at Skema, is doing her work placement in Paris. She’ll be there three weeks out of four since her courses, which take place one week a month, are held in Sophia Antipolis in the south of France, where she’ll stay with our grandparents. Given how expensive rents are and how picky landlords can be, they’ve already had to settle for two-bedroom places with a convertible living room, rather than each having their own room—a luxury (or just some privacy, really) they can’t afford.

So yeah, Mathieu’s still got all his stuff at my place.

Anyway, I won’t be in France for long this week.

I still have days where I do nothing great. I say “still” because it’s crazy that I know a lot of strategies to get myself out of a bad day, but in the moment, I end up doing nothing about it. I know I should stop and take a moment to myself. I know I could plant a tree on the Forest app to avoid using my phone. I know I could just take a micro-nap because I’m really just tired. But I do none of that. Instead, I powerlessly continue to mindlessly scroll through Instagram Reels.

Looking back at yesterday, there were still a few positive things. When I spend over 7 hours on my phone, I tend to forget that there were a few cool things in the 8 remaining hours I was awake. I am in Grenoble. It’s probably the last time I’ll be here. My mom put the apartment up for sale. The weather was beautiful. We went to a nice Japanese restaurant at Caserne de Bonne in the city center. We walked a lot, which was healthy. And even when I look at all the Instagram Reels I watched, I was inspired by a lot of things I saw. I keep seeing gymnastics and diving recently. I obviously want to try that now. I even saw an interesting Thai toothpaste commercial from over 10 years ago. A bunch of random content, but it was not just entertaining—it was interesting.

There are often two sides to things. I tend to be dramatic, but I need to get to the part where I take a step back and be more objective (or even positive) about it. I am a much bigger fan of people who are real, rather than those who pretend everything is positive. I believe being realistic is fair, while being overly positive can resemble lying to yourself. It can get worse later if you don’t see things exactly how they are, in my opinion. Even when seeking the truth, you might not always be precise. So, what happens when you choose to avoid it and deliberately lie to yourself?

Sometimes, you can’t help it. You don’t have the vocabulary necessary to express how you really feel. Imagine you only have the word “stress” available to express torment, exhaustion, depression, unease, anger, and maybe even a positive emotion like excitement. Well, as soon as someone asks you how you feel, instead of doing the worst thing you can do by saying “I’m fine” and ignoring it altogether, you might say the second-worst thing you can think of, which is “I’m stressed.” The problem is not only that you might end up believing that narrative, but also that by saying “I’m stressed” or “I’m tired,” or using any simplistic way to describe how you feel, you are avoiding the first effort you can make when someone reaches out to you and asks, “How do you feel?” or “How are you?” The first thing you can do to help yourself is to be honest and seek to describe how you feel with more depth. About yesterday, I think I could say something like this:

“I’m exhausted but can’t get myself to take a nap. I feel a little overwhelmed. I feel uneasy. My throat feels sore. I can’t breathe properly because my nose is stuffed. I feel lost.”

The interesting part of seeking to use more precise vocabulary and really making the effort to describe how you feel is that it gives you a few answers already. It’s the first step to getting better. It’s recognizing what’s wrong rather than avoiding it. Now that I’ve said how I feel, I can explain it all much better:

“I’m exhausted because I simply did not sleep well last night. We arrived late, and I left the window open. The noise from the street below was so loud that I woke up too early. And I can’t get myself to take a nap because my phone was way too entertaining, distracting me from the steps I really should’ve taken to get back on my feet in a healthier manner.

I feel a little overwhelmed because I just arrived and had no idea how much there was to do in the house before the sale was final. The buyer literally came at 9 that morning, and my mom was not the least bit ready. She couldn’t pick out the furniture she was going to leave. The first thing I wanted to do was blame her for being unprepared, which I did end up doing, but I was composed enough to say it’s okay, it’s surely not easy, and hopefully, he might buy the house anyway. Not to mention that the guy left the apartment, saying he was in a hurry, with the real estate agent running after him, only to discover that my mom’s indecisiveness gave him the impression that she just didn’t like Asians. Nonsense. Good thing the real estate agent saved that part by saying, ‘No, that’s too easy. It’s just really hard for her, and she wasn’t ready yet.’”

Of course, I felt a little overwhelmed by that. Of course, I felt uneasy. On top of that, I felt a little sick. It’s been a few days. Constantly going from cool sea water to the sun in the south of France sort of gave me a cold that hasn’t worn off yet. Now, between exhaustion, overwhelm, unease, and throat soreness, what else would I want to do besides escape it all? And what’s the best tool and activity for that?

Watching Instagram Reels on my phone. That’s all I could do, and I let myself get trapped in a mindless scrolling cycle where the distraction was so strong that I couldn’t take my hands off the drug, even though my guilt was subconsciously making its way through my feelings, adding another uncomfortable layer to the mess it already was. I felt guilty because I know my phone is not a solution. I know I should have just laid down and done nothing. I know I could’ve picked up a book. I actually did try that, but my focus wasn’t there. The distraction wasn’t strong enough. The remedy wasn’t effective.

That’s how I try to be a little more understanding. It’s not only that I’m trying to understand where I’m coming from by describing how I feel. It’s more so that it highlights the underlying issues. This helps me be more understanding of myself, like a friend would be. It helps me acknowledge the healthier solutions.

Can you turn stress into excitement?

I spent some time at my grandparents’ house near St. Raphael, and today, my mom and I drove to Nice. My mom is a teacher. My grandma was a teacher. And my grandfather? Well, he was a teacher too, but in math. Today was my mom’s first day back at school, but also her first day at a new school in Nice.

When we moved back to France from Thailand 14 years ago, I started French school for the first time in my life. I gradually switched from speaking English with my brother and sister to speaking French because it was more practical for our mutual friends to understand us. My brother and sister are only a year and a half younger than I am, so we share many of the same friends. My brother is a pretty private guy. He doesn’t like being in the spotlight. I don’t think I ever got his permission to post his face or anything identifiable on my social media. My sister, on the other hand, is different. She enjoys being on TikTok. She has always been a down-to-earth, easy-going person. She speaks her mind and has a lot of friends. She doesn’t struggle to reach out and maintain long-term friendships. I often look up to her and wonder how she can just be happy and content. She sets goals and works towards them without making a big deal of the effort required—she just does it. Yet, she doesn’t constantly seek more. She is generally satisfied and doesn’t strive to be happier; she simply is where she’s at, and that’s enough for her.

After five years, going from grade 5 (“la classe de CM2”) through to grade 9 in a small village of exactly 3,032 inhabitants in 2015, I sought to apply to good high schools, which inevitably were in more populated areas. That’s how I moved to Grenoble and attended classes at the International School of Grenoble (“Cité Scolaire Internationale (CSI)”), also known as Europole. I stayed with a host family for the first year while my brother and sister finished middle school. They’re one grade below me. My mom had to navigate the whole public school job placement system to hopefully get a teaching job in Grenoble, and my dad also had to find work.

It took a year. After that, my mom stayed in Grenoble for seven years. She even bought three apartments there. She’s not rich—French teachers are notoriously underpaid, according to her. And she’s not wrong. But she’s a master at saving money. She needs a lot of security and stability. She feels anxious when money isn’t coming in, even though, if you ask me, she has more than enough in the bank to live decently for several years. 

A few months ago, she took a leap. She studied the French public school job placement system to figure out how to build points to secure a job where she really wanted to live. She waited about four months for the public system to notify her a month in advance of where she would be moving and working in September. You can imagine the kind of stress she’s been under. In one month, she put her Grenoble apartment up for sale. She dealt with the leases for her two other apartments, as she rents them out to students who move out each year around this time. Last week, she finally learned what class she would be teaching and the grade level. Three days ago, she was informed of when she was expected to show up for work.

She’s moving to the region in France she’s always dreamed of living in, and she’s about to start fresh in a new school. But if you had seen her in the car this morning, she was anything but excited about starting her new life.

She spent the whole month solving problems, only to keep finding more. If you ask her, she’s being realistic and down-to-earth. If you ask me, she’s just going through the motions and failing to realize she’s in the midst of one of the most exciting changes in her life! She’s going to be closer to her parents. She’ll be living by the seaside, where she can windsurf as long as the wind blows. She’s going to have sun most of the year from now on!

This morning, as we were about to arrive at the high school where she might teach until the end of her career, I looked up at her, as she was complaining, and asked, “Don’t you think this is amazing?” She replied, “Yeah, I guess so.” I continued:

– “Come on, let’s do something! Think of five positive things right now before we arrive. 1!”

– “We’re not too late.”

– “2!”

– “The weather is good.”

– “3!”

– “I’m about to drink terrible instant coffee and eat overly sweet madeleines in small plastic wrappers with no bin to throw them in.”

– “Okay, Mom, that doesn’t count. Say you’re going to finally meet your colleagues! 4!”

– “Grandpa left me his car, so my old car won’t break down for the third time this month on the most important day of the year.”

– “Okay, not too bad. And 5!”

– “I’m going to visit an apartment I might live in this year after school today!”

– “There you go!”

It’s common to see problems all around you when you’re in survival mode. The human default is to notice the negative before experiencing the positive. However, when you understand that’s just how you’re wired, there are strategies you can apply to gradually rewire your brain.

When things seem negative and I’m self-aware enough to pause and reflect, I try to find five things I’m grateful for. Five things I dream of, am excited about, or look forward to. It’s my way of training my brain to spot more positive things around me—a way to be happier and more content.

I started doing this after reading “The High Five Habit” by Mel Robbins. In her book, she writes, “When you wake up in the morning, write five things you want.” It can be anything—a dream, a relationship, that beach house you might want. Don’t feel guilty for wanting things or overanalyzing it. Help yourself by being honest with yourself. I was also inspired by a short Instagram reel from a speech Oprah gave, where she shared her most effective habit: keeping a gratitude journal.

I began writing every day in a journal. At first, I just kept track of my goals, writing a to-do list of what I wanted to achieve each day. It was just notes and lists. But soon after, it became a place where I opened up to myself with brutal honesty. I would pour out anything, no matter how negative, when I needed to. I’d write my five dreams in the morning when I remembered to do so. And I’d write five things I was grateful for before going to sleep.

Gradually, I believe my mindset really did shift. I gained clarity on what I wanted. I took time to figure out what kind of person I wanted to be. I noted the things I truly appreciated in my day, and then I repeated them, over and over again.

I don’t know if this can help everyone. I mean, if you have a clinical issue or are suffering from depression, the help of a physician is probably more appropriate. However, I believe that for most people, it’s definitely a strategy or a mental habit you can apply in your own way to maybe turn stress into excitement. 

Je suis super maniaque. J’aime bien quand les choses sont bien faites. J’aime bien quand les choses sont en ordre. J’aime bien quand les choses sont abouties.

Hier, j’ai écrit ma première contribution, peut-être un peu trop personnelle pour la partager, et dès que j’ai réfléchi au fait que je pouvais la traduire, je me suis dit : « Je vais me mettre à tout traduire. »

C’est plutôt bon signe. Ça veut dire que je ne me lasse pas du travail que j’entreprends. Ça veut dire que je veux en faire plus. Ça veut dire que je vois déjà ce que je peux faire de plus. Le seul inconvénient, c’est que je n’ai pas tout le temps du monde. Je dois aussi passer une bonne partie de ma journée à gagner ma vie.

Hier, j’ai fourni un petit effort. Je me suis réveillé à 6h30. En général, je me réveille vers 7h30, par moi-même, sans réveil. Aujourd’hui, c’est à 6h00 que j’ai mis mon réveil.

Il y a trois jours, alors que j’étais à la plage des Lucioles, dans une routine que je tente de maintenir, puisqu’elle me fait du bien, j’ai décidé de faire comme Amélie Nothomb, ou presque.

J’étais tombé sur une interview d’elle où elle disait : « Le Japon a énormément à nous apprendre (…) même avec l’ambition la plus petite, ça implique une discipline colossale ». À ce moment-là, j’étais un peu en train de cramer le cerveau à faire défiler les Reels sur Instagram, donc ça me parlait évidemment beaucoup.

On a tendance à me voir comme une personne très disciplinée. Je ne suis pas contre, mais je ne crois pas que ce soit plus simple pour moi de faire preuve de discipline. Surtout, je vais briser le mythe, je ne fais pas toujours preuve de discipline. D’ailleurs, je pense que le mot le plus juste pour me décrire, c’est que je suis assez extrême, et pas toujours pour le mieux. Parfois, je me mets à fond. Je mets en place des routines. J’atteins mes objectifs. Le seul inconvénient, c’est que cela implique du travail, et le travail, c’est fatigant. Souvent, par ce mécanisme, je tombe de l’autre côté de l’échiquier, j’abandonne. Je déprime un peu, ou beaucoup. Je fais une pause exagérée, ou pas. Je me sabote.

J’ai fini par regarder la totalité de l’interview publiée par Brut. Sur YouTube. J’ai même invité Grandou (ma grand-mère) à regarder ça avec moi. Quel personnage ! Je ne sais pas ce qui m’a le plus inspiré. Il y a sa manière d’être. Sa présence. Elle est très humble. Elle tremble presque, comme au bord des larmes, ou en tout cas touchée, à chaque réponse. Il y a tout ce qu’elle dit. Son réveil à 4h00 du matin pour écrire jusqu’à 8h00. Ses quatre manuscrits écrits par an, « c’est de la pure vérité » répond-elle. Ses 110 manuscrits dans le tiroir, dont certains n’ont aucune vocation à être publiés, puisque « ce ne sont que mes obsessions ».

Bref, cela m’a bien marqué. Assez pour que, le soir même, après ma baignade du soir sur la plage des Lucioles, j’écrive dans mon journal, ce qui était parti d’un énième Reels Instagram. Assez pour que je décide de me lever tôt et d’écrire. Assez pour que ma grand-mère m’achète le dernier Amélie Nothomb deux jours plus tard, alors qu’elle passait à Cannes pour l’appareil auditif de Pépé Jean-Louis.

J’aime beaucoup écrire. Je trouve que ça permet de créer de l’ordre dans mes idées. Ça me permet de raconter une histoire. Parfois, les idées viennent, puis disparaissent, sans avoir le temps de les coucher sur du papier. Écrire, c’est laisser une trace. Une trace de ses réflexions. Une trace de la progression de son cheminement mental.

Donc me voilà, j’écris, cette fois-ci pas pour moi dans mon journal, mais avec l’intention de partager. Ce qui est bien, c’est que j’ai un site internet que Benjamin Czajka m’a fait il y a quelques années. C’est bien, ça fait pro. Je peux partager à compte-gouttes tout ce que j’écris, que ça soit bien ou non. Le plus important, c’est que le travail final soit publié, abouti. J’aurai tout le temps après pour m’améliorer, savoir ce que je peux écrire ou non, instinctivement. Publier, c’est se jeter à l’eau, et même si je fais des plats de temps en temps, au moins j’apprends.

Dans les formats de vidéos que j’ai créés sur les réseaux sociaux, j’avais la même approche. À l’heure des vidéos plutôt courtes, rien n’est parfait. Ce n’est pas une forme de perfection qui est recherchée, ou même qui fonctionne. D’ailleurs, les vidéos très léchées de publicité ont l’air de mal fonctionner, même avec du budget média. Au contraire, les vidéos authentiques, travaillées, et parfaitement imparfaites semblent bien fonctionner sur TikTok. Ce que je dis n’est pas complètement vrai, mais disons que c’est l’expérience que j’en ai faite, qui m’a encouragé à publier beaucoup, pour avoir quelques vidéos qui percent. Publier beaucoup, ce qui implique parfois de reléguer la qualité au second plan, par manque de temps ou par flemme.

Un des formats que j’ai revisités, c’était le format vlog. C’était en début 2023. J’étais plein de bonnes routines. Je lisais beaucoup de livres de développement personnel. Je lisais beaucoup tout court. J’avais une routine matinale sportive, sans dérogation. Je publiais des vidéos courtes avec des programmes sportifs poids-du-corps. Je publiais des conseils en nutrition. J’écrivais tous les jours dans mon journal.

Je suis arrivé à un stade où toutes ces habitudes étaient assez bien mises en place pour que je sois prêt à les partager. Quand j’ai repéré une nouvelle opportunité de me filmer, et de montrer mes nouvelles activités qui se prêtent moyennement à être filmées, j’étais très satisfait. Quand on lit, on lit, on ne fait pas un TikTok. Mais quand on filme un vlog, on peut se filmer en train de lire, puis de cuisiner sainement, et enfin pratiquer du sport, sans que l’activité elle-même devienne un moment de production vidéo à part entière, comme l’étaient devenues les séances de sport que je publiais à ce moment-là.

Alors que je commençais à me désintéresser des réseaux sociaux, et m’intéresser à d’autres activités loin des réseaux, j’avais l’impression d’avoir trouvé un compromis. J’avais l’impression d’avoir trouvé une manière de partager mon temps hors des réseaux sociaux. Des moments et des choses comme la lecture, où je pense que les gens savent instinctivement que c’est plus sain que de passer du temps sur Instagram, mais qui manquent de modèles.

Le truc, c’est que j’ai commencé Instagram avec le mannequinat. J’adore la photo. Et quand c’est moi qui suis beau dessus, ça me va très bien. Je trouve ça super cool. La seule limite, ou ma seule crainte, c’est que ça soit peut-être un métier ou une forme de création de contenu qui peut devenir un peu creuse intellectuellement, et superficielle. Rien de grave. Tout n’a pas besoin d’être stimulant intellectuellement ; le beau peut suffire à lui-même. D’ailleurs, avant que je fasse un virage complet dans ma création de contenu, je pense que personne ne s’attendait à autre chose que des belles photos et des vidéos de trend.

Le vlog, c’est cool parce que c’est une manière de continuer à me montrer moi, mais en partageant un truc nouveau. Tant que les gens me voient, pourvu que je ne sois pas trop moche, ça fonctionne. C’est un peu la base de ma création de contenu. Le plus important, c’est que je sois beau, après, ce que je raconte c’est pour créer un lien. C’est un moyen de partager un peu plus de qui je suis. Une manière de laisser une trace.

It’s 6:30 A.M. I never wake up that early. I mean unless I found a cheap flight in the morning. But the reason why I woke up this early (for me) is because I struggle to find time for myself.

At work, well I work more for others than I do for myself. Which is fair enough if I want to get paid. But recently I’ve been struggling to get to the part where I work for myself. 

At work, among a few other things, I handle strategic partnerships at the ISCEA (International Supply Chain Education Alliance). I look for prospects. I send the LinkedIn connection requests. I try to write the best emails to get a response. And my objective is to get them on a call to discuss how I could facilitate the access to the certifications offered by the ISCEA thanks to a strategic partnership which usually takes the form of an MOU (Memorandum of Understanding). This is how I make most of my money and should be spending most of time. The thing is, because I specifically asked to have an extremely flexible working manner, as soon as I got caught by fairly random daily plans (like taking the train to go down south for a few hours, or deciding to go for a boat ride I don’t want to miss out on), I failed to get to the meaningful part of my day and work, from my perspective, which is creating and sharing more about myself.

My dream is clearly to be a creator. I want to create things I’m proud of. And by “things” I mean nicely produced Instagram reels and TikToks, beautiful pictures, a nice article, maybe one day a book. There are a lot of ways to share things. I don’t really mind the format or the way I share things. I feel like whether I want to write, speak, or take pictures, just merely depends on my mood. I feel like I don’t mind so much how I share things. What matters to me, for it to become meaningful, is that I share a part of myself in it. That I can see the lasting durable contribution I tried to make.

That’s already what I kind of do as a content creator and model on Instagram and TikTok. But because I haven’t figured how to live from it, I tried to design my work life in a way, where I could say yes to any opportunity that would come along the way. I chose to work for the ISCEA, because they were very understanding of my goals as a model. They offered me to work up to 20 hours a week. Less if I couldn’t find the time to do so. I somehow rarely find the time to do so; I feel guilty for that. I can blame a lot of things, circumstances, but then I chose to travel all around this summer, lacking the stability to properly get great work done. So instead of bringing a lot of value, I was simply getting into the job. 

That’s not something I’m proud of. When I start something, I want to master it, get great at it. I want to have the feeling I bring value. The real problem was I can’t focus on working for the ISCEA, because of all the other things I want to achieve and do regularly on the side, and more importantly I can’t focus on one thing because I struggle to make choices. 

It would be healthier and realistic for me, to work for one client as a freelancer, and continue to build my social media and work as model on the side while being able to pay rent. If I chose just two jobs, I could possibly be content with the balance of things. However, like I said, at work, among a few other things, I work for the ISCEA, I work for the social media of a brand called me moringa, and I’m starting to get into a new role as a Partner Channel Manager at /influx the influencer agency that also represents me. I’ve also had other jobs and contracts signed in the last few months. I worked for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne, a Member of the European Parliament for 6 weeks. I helped her with her social media, got her to do vlogs, showed her how to handle the technology, creating a lot of content for her. That later got the interest of Fabien Aufrechter, the mayor of a French town near Paris called Verneuil-sur-Seine. I had a one-day consulting mission to get him to know everything he needed to create the best possible vlogs on his own (with some help from his team if possible). I also signed a contract with the former communication agency I worked for in Bremen Germany for 6 months called construktiv. The idea was to have a form of memorandum of understanding of how we could work together, but we never did (yet) after the contract was signed.

It’s interesting for me to review the professional work I’ve done in the last 8 months. I’ve been just trying to figure it out. I’ve been accepting responsibility, to be able to a have the freedom I felt I needed. And now that I have it, it feels more like a problem or even a trap, than the blessing it was at first. 

Now I feel like I need structure again. I feel like if I don’t have proper routines, I won’t make it. It’s very demanding to work for different clients and have different projects at the same time. 

When I look at my work in the last 8 months, the work with Fabien Aufrechter was the one I appreciated the most. It was short but impactful. My work for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne was much harder, almost painful, but worth it, very deep and meaningful. My work for the ISCEA was the most lucrative but where I felt I brought the less value. I’m not great at it (yet). My work for me moringa was closer to my core competence, which is social media content creation, but although the work I do wasn’t too bad and I made good progress creating a beautiful showcase, I feel unsatisfied and a little powerless, because of the lack of social media engagement, partly due to budget constraint on that account. My role for /influx only just started. I love the business values. I feel at home there. I feel they can provide me with the structure I need. I have a lot of hope that it’ll bring me great things and I’ll be able to do good work, when the role that I’m getting into, maybe becomes my main job in the next month.

I am grateful I put so much effort trying to figure out the life I want. I know I would have had the feeling I didn’t make progress if I had chosen to stay in a full-time job in a communication agency. But funny enough now that I reflect on the path I had, I realize I would have had the structure I want right now. 

However, putting all that into perspective, I realize I’ve lost track of why I chose this way of working. I chose to do all this, just to have the freedom and time to create my own content. The problem is, the different jobs all together are demanding. If I must admit that I have the time, I certainly do not have the mental space, energy or will, left to give more of myself, and share more of myself.

I want to change that because it feels meaningful to share how I’m working through things. There is no right answer. I believe we’re all trying to figure things out in a complex world. There isn’t just one formula to life. You can probably find your own. I hope I’ll eventually find the right balance myself. 

At this point, I found it useful to open up on this. Make it more real. Explain why I might not have been as active on social media this summer. Share my struggles, my thought process. Maybe you see yourself in this.