Tough return

I’ve just about gotten back on my feet. Lack of sleep doesn’t do me any favors. As I’ve mentioned before, I can be pretty extreme. I quickly fall into a vicious cycle where I end up sabotaging myself. After my night in Strasbourg—if you can really call it a night—I took the 10:47 train and arrived at Gare de l’Est. On my way home, I stopped by Lidl, where I almost always do my shopping. My squirrel-like habits are still going strong, and I really like the store with its special weekly arrivals that feel so familiar to me.

From the seventh floor of CSH in Mannheim, where I lived for three semesters, I had a view of the Lidl near the freeway where I used to go all the time. When things weren’t going well, I knew I could take refuge in the aisles of the discount store and treat myself without worrying about the prices. I’ve got money. As long as I’m not in an excessively expensive place, I can afford to buy what I want without stressing about the cost, which feels like real freedom to me.

I walk into the Lidl in Strasbourg-Saint-Denis and do my usual shopping: 1.5 kg of chicken with bones (it’s better, and yes, I eat a lot of chicken), eggs (because I eat a lot of those too), and a bunch of vegetables. Lately, I’ve been too lazy to cook carbs, so I usually just have meat with a veggie stir-fry, without rice, bread, or potatoes. It would be too much work.

At home, I prepare exactly that. I have 30 minutes before my weekly call with ISCEA (my main client). I heat up the pan and defrost a hamburger patty in the microwave. I have time to set up the chicken in the Instant Pot that my mom gave me for my 20th birthday—a birthday I spent alone in Bochum, the city I moved to for my work placements during my alternance. I add spices and salt. The pan is nice and hot. I quickly slice half a zucchini and let it cook in the pan while I chop the bell pepper.

The vegetables are still crisp when I open the Zoom link for the call. I eat during the video call. The Americans never seemed bothered that I ate in front of them. They were quite surprised when I asked if I could do that during a call that dragged on between 8 PM and 10 PM once. The time difference sometimes forces me to work later.

After the call, I have no energy left. I’m completely drained. I spent the rest of the day vegging out behind my screen in an apartment where daylight doesn’t come in. The worst part is I managed to go to bed late, which means I wake up later than usual the next day. I’m not feeling great.

Before going to bed the night before, I managed to quickly go over the next day’s schedule and appointment times. There’s the press event for Galeries Lafayette that I need to attend between 9:30 AM and 6 PM. The Mister France casting at 5 PM, for which I need to prepare a bit. A dinner shoot at Jugaad starting at 7 PM. I think to myself that it’s not a bad schedule. I’m lucky after all. I set up my work slots between the various appointments and then go back to my phone. I spend 2 hours on it despite myself, and wake up too late to start the day I had planned the night before. I realize it’s not the end of the world, but I try to take things step by step. I feel like I’m fighting against myself for simple, trivial tasks like making my bed, putting away clean dishes, or taking a shower. It takes me over 2 hours, with intermittent phone use that drains my energy and confidence in my ability to detach from it.

I then put on the latest episode of Mel Robbins’ podcast. I realize it’s not really relevant to me. I don’t have kids, and they’re not even out of the house where I’d feel alone. I listen anyway. Her voice gives me the energy and calm I need to tackle the most basic tasks, like tidying up my apartment. For breakfast, I skip the eggs. In my mind, I can already see the pan to clean among the dishes I’ve already struggled to put away. Instead, I eat a very hard pear. I think it’s better than an apple.

In the afternoon, I go through my three appointments. I didn’t know anyone at the Christmas press event for Galeries Lafayette, which was held at La Gaîté Lyrique. I wasn’t really in the mood to network. I made the rounds and left. I managed to work for 30 minutes for ISCEA. My sense of responsibility caught up with me. I have to answer my emails at all costs. I then get ready for the Mister France casting. I make sure to gather everything I need in my black bag. I look up more about the beauty contest on the website. I write down what I’d like to say in a Word document as ideas come to me: my motivations, the meaning of my approach, my presentation, what makes me different. I also research Île-de-France to get an idea of the number of departments, the population, comparative figures, and the cultural heritage I might reference. To represent the region, you have to know it, so I figured it was essential to inform myself.

The casting went relatively well, in my opinion. I should find out today whether I’ll be moving on to the Île-de-France final. Something tells me I’m more suited for beauty pageants like this than for fashion and modeling. I’ve often been told that I come across as too commercial. Maybe I’ve just been in the wrong field up until now. What I really enjoy is the work of representation: embodying an idea, setting an example, inspiring the “ideal man,” as the pageant puts it. Xavier, the casting director, used the phrase “a well-made head in a well-made body” to describe the overall package needed to represent this ideal. It’s not just about beauty. It’s also about social commitment and leadership. To me, it’s about using the image to serve the message. That’s when I’m caught off guard.

“Have you thought about an organization you’d like to be involved with?” asks Harbbel, the second member of the casting jury.

I admit that I haven’t.

“It would be good to find an organization if you’re selected to move forward,” Xavier explains.

⏤ I’m open to your recommendations. I’m not sure what kind of organization would suit me. I work a lot on creating content to inspire others to be a healthier version of themselves and to share my good habits to show a possible path they can follow.

⏤ Last time, you talked about self-care, Harbbel notes.

⏤ Yes! I really believe that to improve what’s around us, there’s a lot we can do on our own. That’s my angle. But I’m not sure what kind of organization could represent that.

⏤ You’ll need to find one.

There was a lot of kindness in those words, even though they might have seemed demanding. After the interview, I head back outside to meet Douglas. Douglas is the second candidate invited to the casting that Wednesday. Friendly and very nice, he was finishing up the paperwork. A little later, we were both invited to walk, first dressed, then in swimwear.

Back home, I don’t have much downtime before heading to the restaurant Hemblem invited me to for an influencer dinner. The evening was very pleasant. I met Nisrine, my table neighbor, Laureen from Hemblem, and Safa, who was sitting across from me. I think I really enjoy these kinds of evenings, filled with ideas and projects to promote restaurants and brands.

Back home a little before midnight, I realize that my work with ISCEA in strategic partnerships suits me quite well. I really enjoy business development through networking. Maybe it’s just not the field I’m most passionate about, like supply chain. I reflect that you can’t always get what you want. I’m already incredibly lucky. You also have to work hard. I should focus on building my discipline and good work habits. And with that thought, I end up going to bed far too late, once again.