August 2024

Can you turn stress into excitement?

I spent some time at my grandparents’ house near St. Raphael, and today, my mom and I drove to Nice. My mom is a teacher. My grandma was a teacher. And my grandfather? Well, he was a teacher too, but in math. Today was my mom’s first day back at school, but also her first day at a new school in Nice.

When we moved back to France from Thailand 14 years ago, I started French school for the first time in my life. I gradually switched from speaking English with my brother and sister to speaking French because it was more practical for our mutual friends to understand us. My brother and sister are only a year and a half younger than I am, so we share many of the same friends. My brother is a pretty private guy. He doesn’t like being in the spotlight. I don’t think I ever got his permission to post his face or anything identifiable on my social media. My sister, on the other hand, is different. She enjoys being on TikTok. She has always been a down-to-earth, easy-going person. She speaks her mind and has a lot of friends. She doesn’t struggle to reach out and maintain long-term friendships. I often look up to her and wonder how she can just be happy and content. She sets goals and works towards them without making a big deal of the effort required—she just does it. Yet, she doesn’t constantly seek more. She is generally satisfied and doesn’t strive to be happier; she simply is where she’s at, and that’s enough for her.

After five years, going from grade 5 (“la classe de CM2”) through to grade 9 in a small village of exactly 3,032 inhabitants in 2015, I sought to apply to good high schools, which inevitably were in more populated areas. That’s how I moved to Grenoble and attended classes at the International School of Grenoble (“Cité Scolaire Internationale (CSI)”), also known as Europole. I stayed with a host family for the first year while my brother and sister finished middle school. They’re one grade below me. My mom had to navigate the whole public school job placement system to hopefully get a teaching job in Grenoble, and my dad also had to find work.

It took a year. After that, my mom stayed in Grenoble for seven years. She even bought three apartments there. She’s not rich—French teachers are notoriously underpaid, according to her. And she’s not wrong. But she’s a master at saving money. She needs a lot of security and stability. She feels anxious when money isn’t coming in, even though, if you ask me, she has more than enough in the bank to live decently for several years. 

A few months ago, she took a leap. She studied the French public school job placement system to figure out how to build points to secure a job where she really wanted to live. She waited about four months for the public system to notify her a month in advance of where she would be moving and working in September. You can imagine the kind of stress she’s been under. In one month, she put her Grenoble apartment up for sale. She dealt with the leases for her two other apartments, as she rents them out to students who move out each year around this time. Last week, she finally learned what class she would be teaching and the grade level. Three days ago, she was informed of when she was expected to show up for work.

She’s moving to the region in France she’s always dreamed of living in, and she’s about to start fresh in a new school. But if you had seen her in the car this morning, she was anything but excited about starting her new life.

She spent the whole month solving problems, only to keep finding more. If you ask her, she’s being realistic and down-to-earth. If you ask me, she’s just going through the motions and failing to realize she’s in the midst of one of the most exciting changes in her life! She’s going to be closer to her parents. She’ll be living by the seaside, where she can windsurf as long as the wind blows. She’s going to have sun most of the year from now on!

This morning, as we were about to arrive at the high school where she might teach until the end of her career, I looked up at her, as she was complaining, and asked, “Don’t you think this is amazing?” She replied, “Yeah, I guess so.” I continued:

– “Come on, let’s do something! Think of five positive things right now before we arrive. 1!”

– “We’re not too late.”

– “2!”

– “The weather is good.”

– “3!”

– “I’m about to drink terrible instant coffee and eat overly sweet madeleines in small plastic wrappers with no bin to throw them in.”

– “Okay, Mom, that doesn’t count. Say you’re going to finally meet your colleagues! 4!”

– “Grandpa left me his car, so my old car won’t break down for the third time this month on the most important day of the year.”

– “Okay, not too bad. And 5!”

– “I’m going to visit an apartment I might live in this year after school today!”

– “There you go!”

It’s common to see problems all around you when you’re in survival mode. The human default is to notice the negative before experiencing the positive. However, when you understand that’s just how you’re wired, there are strategies you can apply to gradually rewire your brain.

When things seem negative and I’m self-aware enough to pause and reflect, I try to find five things I’m grateful for. Five things I dream of, am excited about, or look forward to. It’s my way of training my brain to spot more positive things around me—a way to be happier and more content.

I started doing this after reading “The High Five Habit” by Mel Robbins. In her book, she writes, “When you wake up in the morning, write five things you want.” It can be anything—a dream, a relationship, that beach house you might want. Don’t feel guilty for wanting things or overanalyzing it. Help yourself by being honest with yourself. I was also inspired by a short Instagram reel from a speech Oprah gave, where she shared her most effective habit: keeping a gratitude journal.

I began writing every day in a journal. At first, I just kept track of my goals, writing a to-do list of what I wanted to achieve each day. It was just notes and lists. But soon after, it became a place where I opened up to myself with brutal honesty. I would pour out anything, no matter how negative, when I needed to. I’d write my five dreams in the morning when I remembered to do so. And I’d write five things I was grateful for before going to sleep.

Gradually, I believe my mindset really did shift. I gained clarity on what I wanted. I took time to figure out what kind of person I wanted to be. I noted the things I truly appreciated in my day, and then I repeated them, over and over again.

I don’t know if this can help everyone. I mean, if you have a clinical issue or are suffering from depression, the help of a physician is probably more appropriate. However, I believe that for most people, it’s definitely a strategy or a mental habit you can apply in your own way to maybe turn stress into excitement. 

Je suis super maniaque. J’aime bien quand les choses sont bien faites. J’aime bien quand les choses sont en ordre. J’aime bien quand les choses sont abouties.

Hier, j’ai écrit ma première contribution, peut-être un peu trop personnelle pour la partager, et dès que j’ai réfléchi au fait que je pouvais la traduire, je me suis dit : « Je vais me mettre à tout traduire. »

C’est plutôt bon signe. Ça veut dire que je ne me lasse pas du travail que j’entreprends. Ça veut dire que je veux en faire plus. Ça veut dire que je vois déjà ce que je peux faire de plus. Le seul inconvénient, c’est que je n’ai pas tout le temps du monde. Je dois aussi passer une bonne partie de ma journée à gagner ma vie.

Hier, j’ai fourni un petit effort. Je me suis réveillé à 6h30. En général, je me réveille vers 7h30, par moi-même, sans réveil. Aujourd’hui, c’est à 6h00 que j’ai mis mon réveil.

Il y a trois jours, alors que j’étais à la plage des Lucioles, dans une routine que je tente de maintenir, puisqu’elle me fait du bien, j’ai décidé de faire comme Amélie Nothomb, ou presque.

J’étais tombé sur une interview d’elle où elle disait : « Le Japon a énormément à nous apprendre (…) même avec l’ambition la plus petite, ça implique une discipline colossale ». À ce moment-là, j’étais un peu en train de cramer le cerveau à faire défiler les Reels sur Instagram, donc ça me parlait évidemment beaucoup.

On a tendance à me voir comme une personne très disciplinée. Je ne suis pas contre, mais je ne crois pas que ce soit plus simple pour moi de faire preuve de discipline. Surtout, je vais briser le mythe, je ne fais pas toujours preuve de discipline. D’ailleurs, je pense que le mot le plus juste pour me décrire, c’est que je suis assez extrême, et pas toujours pour le mieux. Parfois, je me mets à fond. Je mets en place des routines. J’atteins mes objectifs. Le seul inconvénient, c’est que cela implique du travail, et le travail, c’est fatigant. Souvent, par ce mécanisme, je tombe de l’autre côté de l’échiquier, j’abandonne. Je déprime un peu, ou beaucoup. Je fais une pause exagérée, ou pas. Je me sabote.

J’ai fini par regarder la totalité de l’interview publiée par Brut. Sur YouTube. J’ai même invité Grandou (ma grand-mère) à regarder ça avec moi. Quel personnage ! Je ne sais pas ce qui m’a le plus inspiré. Il y a sa manière d’être. Sa présence. Elle est très humble. Elle tremble presque, comme au bord des larmes, ou en tout cas touchée, à chaque réponse. Il y a tout ce qu’elle dit. Son réveil à 4h00 du matin pour écrire jusqu’à 8h00. Ses quatre manuscrits écrits par an, « c’est de la pure vérité » répond-elle. Ses 110 manuscrits dans le tiroir, dont certains n’ont aucune vocation à être publiés, puisque « ce ne sont que mes obsessions ».

Bref, cela m’a bien marqué. Assez pour que, le soir même, après ma baignade du soir sur la plage des Lucioles, j’écrive dans mon journal, ce qui était parti d’un énième Reels Instagram. Assez pour que je décide de me lever tôt et d’écrire. Assez pour que ma grand-mère m’achète le dernier Amélie Nothomb deux jours plus tard, alors qu’elle passait à Cannes pour l’appareil auditif de Pépé Jean-Louis.

J’aime beaucoup écrire. Je trouve que ça permet de créer de l’ordre dans mes idées. Ça me permet de raconter une histoire. Parfois, les idées viennent, puis disparaissent, sans avoir le temps de les coucher sur du papier. Écrire, c’est laisser une trace. Une trace de ses réflexions. Une trace de la progression de son cheminement mental.

Donc me voilà, j’écris, cette fois-ci pas pour moi dans mon journal, mais avec l’intention de partager. Ce qui est bien, c’est que j’ai un site internet que Benjamin Czajka m’a fait il y a quelques années. C’est bien, ça fait pro. Je peux partager à compte-gouttes tout ce que j’écris, que ça soit bien ou non. Le plus important, c’est que le travail final soit publié, abouti. J’aurai tout le temps après pour m’améliorer, savoir ce que je peux écrire ou non, instinctivement. Publier, c’est se jeter à l’eau, et même si je fais des plats de temps en temps, au moins j’apprends.

Dans les formats de vidéos que j’ai créés sur les réseaux sociaux, j’avais la même approche. À l’heure des vidéos plutôt courtes, rien n’est parfait. Ce n’est pas une forme de perfection qui est recherchée, ou même qui fonctionne. D’ailleurs, les vidéos très léchées de publicité ont l’air de mal fonctionner, même avec du budget média. Au contraire, les vidéos authentiques, travaillées, et parfaitement imparfaites semblent bien fonctionner sur TikTok. Ce que je dis n’est pas complètement vrai, mais disons que c’est l’expérience que j’en ai faite, qui m’a encouragé à publier beaucoup, pour avoir quelques vidéos qui percent. Publier beaucoup, ce qui implique parfois de reléguer la qualité au second plan, par manque de temps ou par flemme.

Un des formats que j’ai revisités, c’était le format vlog. C’était en début 2023. J’étais plein de bonnes routines. Je lisais beaucoup de livres de développement personnel. Je lisais beaucoup tout court. J’avais une routine matinale sportive, sans dérogation. Je publiais des vidéos courtes avec des programmes sportifs poids-du-corps. Je publiais des conseils en nutrition. J’écrivais tous les jours dans mon journal.

Je suis arrivé à un stade où toutes ces habitudes étaient assez bien mises en place pour que je sois prêt à les partager. Quand j’ai repéré une nouvelle opportunité de me filmer, et de montrer mes nouvelles activités qui se prêtent moyennement à être filmées, j’étais très satisfait. Quand on lit, on lit, on ne fait pas un TikTok. Mais quand on filme un vlog, on peut se filmer en train de lire, puis de cuisiner sainement, et enfin pratiquer du sport, sans que l’activité elle-même devienne un moment de production vidéo à part entière, comme l’étaient devenues les séances de sport que je publiais à ce moment-là.

Alors que je commençais à me désintéresser des réseaux sociaux, et m’intéresser à d’autres activités loin des réseaux, j’avais l’impression d’avoir trouvé un compromis. J’avais l’impression d’avoir trouvé une manière de partager mon temps hors des réseaux sociaux. Des moments et des choses comme la lecture, où je pense que les gens savent instinctivement que c’est plus sain que de passer du temps sur Instagram, mais qui manquent de modèles.

Le truc, c’est que j’ai commencé Instagram avec le mannequinat. J’adore la photo. Et quand c’est moi qui suis beau dessus, ça me va très bien. Je trouve ça super cool. La seule limite, ou ma seule crainte, c’est que ça soit peut-être un métier ou une forme de création de contenu qui peut devenir un peu creuse intellectuellement, et superficielle. Rien de grave. Tout n’a pas besoin d’être stimulant intellectuellement ; le beau peut suffire à lui-même. D’ailleurs, avant que je fasse un virage complet dans ma création de contenu, je pense que personne ne s’attendait à autre chose que des belles photos et des vidéos de trend.

Le vlog, c’est cool parce que c’est une manière de continuer à me montrer moi, mais en partageant un truc nouveau. Tant que les gens me voient, pourvu que je ne sois pas trop moche, ça fonctionne. C’est un peu la base de ma création de contenu. Le plus important, c’est que je sois beau, après, ce que je raconte c’est pour créer un lien. C’est un moyen de partager un peu plus de qui je suis. Une manière de laisser une trace.

It’s 6:30 A.M. I never wake up that early. I mean unless I found a cheap flight in the morning. But the reason why I woke up this early (for me) is because I struggle to find time for myself.

At work, well I work more for others than I do for myself. Which is fair enough if I want to get paid. But recently I’ve been struggling to get to the part where I work for myself. 

At work, among a few other things, I handle strategic partnerships at the ISCEA (International Supply Chain Education Alliance). I look for prospects. I send the LinkedIn connection requests. I try to write the best emails to get a response. And my objective is to get them on a call to discuss how I could facilitate the access to the certifications offered by the ISCEA thanks to a strategic partnership which usually takes the form of an MOU (Memorandum of Understanding). This is how I make most of my money and should be spending most of time. The thing is, because I specifically asked to have an extremely flexible working manner, as soon as I got caught by fairly random daily plans (like taking the train to go down south for a few hours, or deciding to go for a boat ride I don’t want to miss out on), I failed to get to the meaningful part of my day and work, from my perspective, which is creating and sharing more about myself.

My dream is clearly to be a creator. I want to create things I’m proud of. And by “things” I mean nicely produced Instagram reels and TikToks, beautiful pictures, a nice article, maybe one day a book. There are a lot of ways to share things. I don’t really mind the format or the way I share things. I feel like whether I want to write, speak, or take pictures, just merely depends on my mood. I feel like I don’t mind so much how I share things. What matters to me, for it to become meaningful, is that I share a part of myself in it. That I can see the lasting durable contribution I tried to make.

That’s already what I kind of do as a content creator and model on Instagram and TikTok. But because I haven’t figured how to live from it, I tried to design my work life in a way, where I could say yes to any opportunity that would come along the way. I chose to work for the ISCEA, because they were very understanding of my goals as a model. They offered me to work up to 20 hours a week. Less if I couldn’t find the time to do so. I somehow rarely find the time to do so; I feel guilty for that. I can blame a lot of things, circumstances, but then I chose to travel all around this summer, lacking the stability to properly get great work done. So instead of bringing a lot of value, I was simply getting into the job. 

That’s not something I’m proud of. When I start something, I want to master it, get great at it. I want to have the feeling I bring value. The real problem was I can’t focus on working for the ISCEA, because of all the other things I want to achieve and do regularly on the side, and more importantly I can’t focus on one thing because I struggle to make choices. 

It would be healthier and realistic for me, to work for one client as a freelancer, and continue to build my social media and work as model on the side while being able to pay rent. If I chose just two jobs, I could possibly be content with the balance of things. However, like I said, at work, among a few other things, I work for the ISCEA, I work for the social media of a brand called me moringa, and I’m starting to get into a new role as a Partner Channel Manager at /influx the influencer agency that also represents me. I’ve also had other jobs and contracts signed in the last few months. I worked for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne, a Member of the European Parliament for 6 weeks. I helped her with her social media, got her to do vlogs, showed her how to handle the technology, creating a lot of content for her. That later got the interest of Fabien Aufrechter, the mayor of a French town near Paris called Verneuil-sur-Seine. I had a one-day consulting mission to get him to know everything he needed to create the best possible vlogs on his own (with some help from his team if possible). I also signed a contract with the former communication agency I worked for in Bremen Germany for 6 months called construktiv. The idea was to have a form of memorandum of understanding of how we could work together, but we never did (yet) after the contract was signed.

It’s interesting for me to review the professional work I’ve done in the last 8 months. I’ve been just trying to figure it out. I’ve been accepting responsibility, to be able to a have the freedom I felt I needed. And now that I have it, it feels more like a problem or even a trap, than the blessing it was at first. 

Now I feel like I need structure again. I feel like if I don’t have proper routines, I won’t make it. It’s very demanding to work for different clients and have different projects at the same time. 

When I look at my work in the last 8 months, the work with Fabien Aufrechter was the one I appreciated the most. It was short but impactful. My work for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne was much harder, almost painful, but worth it, very deep and meaningful. My work for the ISCEA was the most lucrative but where I felt I brought the less value. I’m not great at it (yet). My work for me moringa was closer to my core competence, which is social media content creation, but although the work I do wasn’t too bad and I made good progress creating a beautiful showcase, I feel unsatisfied and a little powerless, because of the lack of social media engagement, partly due to budget constraint on that account. My role for /influx only just started. I love the business values. I feel at home there. I feel they can provide me with the structure I need. I have a lot of hope that it’ll bring me great things and I’ll be able to do good work, when the role that I’m getting into, maybe becomes my main job in the next month.

I am grateful I put so much effort trying to figure out the life I want. I know I would have had the feeling I didn’t make progress if I had chosen to stay in a full-time job in a communication agency. But funny enough now that I reflect on the path I had, I realize I would have had the structure I want right now. 

However, putting all that into perspective, I realize I’ve lost track of why I chose this way of working. I chose to do all this, just to have the freedom and time to create my own content. The problem is, the different jobs all together are demanding. If I must admit that I have the time, I certainly do not have the mental space, energy or will, left to give more of myself, and share more of myself.

I want to change that because it feels meaningful to share how I’m working through things. There is no right answer. I believe we’re all trying to figure things out in a complex world. There isn’t just one formula to life. You can probably find your own. I hope I’ll eventually find the right balance myself. 

At this point, I found it useful to open up on this. Make it more real. Explain why I might not have been as active on social media this summer. Share my struggles, my thought process. Maybe you see yourself in this.