The right words

I still have days where I do nothing great. I say “still” because it’s crazy that I know a lot of strategies to get myself out of a bad day, but in the moment, I end up doing nothing about it. I know I should stop and take a moment to myself. I know I could plant a tree on the Forest app to avoid using my phone. I know I could just take a micro-nap because I’m really just tired. But I do none of that. Instead, I powerlessly continue to mindlessly scroll through Instagram Reels.

Looking back at yesterday, there were still a few positive things. When I spend over 7 hours on my phone, I tend to forget that there were a few cool things in the 8 remaining hours I was awake. I am in Grenoble. It’s probably the last time I’ll be here. My mom put the apartment up for sale. The weather was beautiful. We went to a nice Japanese restaurant at Caserne de Bonne in the city center. We walked a lot, which was healthy. And even when I look at all the Instagram Reels I watched, I was inspired by a lot of things I saw. I keep seeing gymnastics and diving recently. I obviously want to try that now. I even saw an interesting Thai toothpaste commercial from over 10 years ago. A bunch of random content, but it was not just entertaining—it was interesting.

There are often two sides to things. I tend to be dramatic, but I need to get to the part where I take a step back and be more objective (or even positive) about it. I am a much bigger fan of people who are real, rather than those who pretend everything is positive. I believe being realistic is fair, while being overly positive can resemble lying to yourself. It can get worse later if you don’t see things exactly how they are, in my opinion. Even when seeking the truth, you might not always be precise. So, what happens when you choose to avoid it and deliberately lie to yourself?

Sometimes, you can’t help it. You don’t have the vocabulary necessary to express how you really feel. Imagine you only have the word “stress” available to express torment, exhaustion, depression, unease, anger, and maybe even a positive emotion like excitement. Well, as soon as someone asks you how you feel, instead of doing the worst thing you can do by saying “I’m fine” and ignoring it altogether, you might say the second-worst thing you can think of, which is “I’m stressed.” The problem is not only that you might end up believing that narrative, but also that by saying “I’m stressed” or “I’m tired,” or using any simplistic way to describe how you feel, you are avoiding the first effort you can make when someone reaches out to you and asks, “How do you feel?” or “How are you?” The first thing you can do to help yourself is to be honest and seek to describe how you feel with more depth. About yesterday, I think I could say something like this:

“I’m exhausted but can’t get myself to take a nap. I feel a little overwhelmed. I feel uneasy. My throat feels sore. I can’t breathe properly because my nose is stuffed. I feel lost.”

The interesting part of seeking to use more precise vocabulary and really making the effort to describe how you feel is that it gives you a few answers already. It’s the first step to getting better. It’s recognizing what’s wrong rather than avoiding it. Now that I’ve said how I feel, I can explain it all much better:

“I’m exhausted because I simply did not sleep well last night. We arrived late, and I left the window open. The noise from the street below was so loud that I woke up too early. And I can’t get myself to take a nap because my phone was way too entertaining, distracting me from the steps I really should’ve taken to get back on my feet in a healthier manner.

I feel a little overwhelmed because I just arrived and had no idea how much there was to do in the house before the sale was final. The buyer literally came at 9 that morning, and my mom was not the least bit ready. She couldn’t pick out the furniture she was going to leave. The first thing I wanted to do was blame her for being unprepared, which I did end up doing, but I was composed enough to say it’s okay, it’s surely not easy, and hopefully, he might buy the house anyway. Not to mention that the guy left the apartment, saying he was in a hurry, with the real estate agent running after him, only to discover that my mom’s indecisiveness gave him the impression that she just didn’t like Asians. Nonsense. Good thing the real estate agent saved that part by saying, ‘No, that’s too easy. It’s just really hard for her, and she wasn’t ready yet.’”

Of course, I felt a little overwhelmed by that. Of course, I felt uneasy. On top of that, I felt a little sick. It’s been a few days. Constantly going from cool sea water to the sun in the south of France sort of gave me a cold that hasn’t worn off yet. Now, between exhaustion, overwhelm, unease, and throat soreness, what else would I want to do besides escape it all? And what’s the best tool and activity for that?

Watching Instagram Reels on my phone. That’s all I could do, and I let myself get trapped in a mindless scrolling cycle where the distraction was so strong that I couldn’t take my hands off the drug, even though my guilt was subconsciously making its way through my feelings, adding another uncomfortable layer to the mess it already was. I felt guilty because I know my phone is not a solution. I know I should have just laid down and done nothing. I know I could’ve picked up a book. I actually did try that, but my focus wasn’t there. The distraction wasn’t strong enough. The remedy wasn’t effective.

That’s how I try to be a little more understanding. It’s not only that I’m trying to understand where I’m coming from by describing how I feel. It’s more so that it highlights the underlying issues. This helps me be more understanding of myself, like a friend would be. It helps me acknowledge the healthier solutions.