Last 8 months of work

It’s 6:30 A.M. I never wake up that early. I mean unless I found a cheap flight in the morning. But the reason why I woke up this early (for me) is because I struggle to find time for myself.

At work, well I work more for others than I do for myself. Which is fair enough if I want to get paid. But recently I’ve been struggling to get to the part where I work for myself. 

At work, among a few other things, I handle strategic partnerships at the ISCEA (International Supply Chain Education Alliance). I look for prospects. I send the LinkedIn connection requests. I try to write the best emails to get a response. And my objective is to get them on a call to discuss how I could facilitate the access to the certifications offered by the ISCEA thanks to a strategic partnership which usually takes the form of an MOU (Memorandum of Understanding). This is how I make most of my money and should be spending most of time. The thing is, because I specifically asked to have an extremely flexible working manner, as soon as I got caught by fairly random daily plans (like taking the train to go down south for a few hours, or deciding to go for a boat ride I don’t want to miss out on), I failed to get to the meaningful part of my day and work, from my perspective, which is creating and sharing more about myself.

My dream is clearly to be a creator. I want to create things I’m proud of. And by “things” I mean nicely produced Instagram reels and TikToks, beautiful pictures, a nice article, maybe one day a book. There are a lot of ways to share things. I don’t really mind the format or the way I share things. I feel like whether I want to write, speak, or take pictures, just merely depends on my mood. I feel like I don’t mind so much how I share things. What matters to me, for it to become meaningful, is that I share a part of myself in it. That I can see the lasting durable contribution I tried to make.

That’s already what I kind of do as a content creator and model on Instagram and TikTok. But because I haven’t figured how to live from it, I tried to design my work life in a way, where I could say yes to any opportunity that would come along the way. I chose to work for the ISCEA, because they were very understanding of my goals as a model. They offered me to work up to 20 hours a week. Less if I couldn’t find the time to do so. I somehow rarely find the time to do so; I feel guilty for that. I can blame a lot of things, circumstances, but then I chose to travel all around this summer, lacking the stability to properly get great work done. So instead of bringing a lot of value, I was simply getting into the job. 

That’s not something I’m proud of. When I start something, I want to master it, get great at it. I want to have the feeling I bring value. The real problem was I can’t focus on working for the ISCEA, because of all the other things I want to achieve and do regularly on the side, and more importantly I can’t focus on one thing because I struggle to make choices. 

It would be healthier and realistic for me, to work for one client as a freelancer, and continue to build my social media and work as model on the side while being able to pay rent. If I chose just two jobs, I could possibly be content with the balance of things. However, like I said, at work, among a few other things, I work for the ISCEA, I work for the social media of a brand called me moringa, and I’m starting to get into a new role as a Partner Channel Manager at /influx the influencer agency that also represents me. I’ve also had other jobs and contracts signed in the last few months. I worked for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne, a Member of the European Parliament for 6 weeks. I helped her with her social media, got her to do vlogs, showed her how to handle the technology, creating a lot of content for her. That later got the interest of Fabien Aufrechter, the mayor of a French town near Paris called Verneuil-sur-Seine. I had a one-day consulting mission to get him to know everything he needed to create the best possible vlogs on his own (with some help from his team if possible). I also signed a contract with the former communication agency I worked for in Bremen Germany for 6 months called construktiv. The idea was to have a form of memorandum of understanding of how we could work together, but we never did (yet) after the contract was signed.

It’s interesting for me to review the professional work I’ve done in the last 8 months. I’ve been just trying to figure it out. I’ve been accepting responsibility, to be able to a have the freedom I felt I needed. And now that I have it, it feels more like a problem or even a trap, than the blessing it was at first. 

Now I feel like I need structure again. I feel like if I don’t have proper routines, I won’t make it. It’s very demanding to work for different clients and have different projects at the same time. 

When I look at my work in the last 8 months, the work with Fabien Aufrechter was the one I appreciated the most. It was short but impactful. My work for Marie-Pierre Vedrenne was much harder, almost painful, but worth it, very deep and meaningful. My work for the ISCEA was the most lucrative but where I felt I brought the less value. I’m not great at it (yet). My work for me moringa was closer to my core competence, which is social media content creation, but although the work I do wasn’t too bad and I made good progress creating a beautiful showcase, I feel unsatisfied and a little powerless, because of the lack of social media engagement, partly due to budget constraint on that account. My role for /influx only just started. I love the business values. I feel at home there. I feel they can provide me with the structure I need. I have a lot of hope that it’ll bring me great things and I’ll be able to do good work, when the role that I’m getting into, maybe becomes my main job in the next month.

I am grateful I put so much effort trying to figure out the life I want. I know I would have had the feeling I didn’t make progress if I had chosen to stay in a full-time job in a communication agency. But funny enough now that I reflect on the path I had, I realize I would have had the structure I want right now. 

However, putting all that into perspective, I realize I’ve lost track of why I chose this way of working. I chose to do all this, just to have the freedom and time to create my own content. The problem is, the different jobs all together are demanding. If I must admit that I have the time, I certainly do not have the mental space, energy or will, left to give more of myself, and share more of myself.

I want to change that because it feels meaningful to share how I’m working through things. There is no right answer. I believe we’re all trying to figure things out in a complex world. There isn’t just one formula to life. You can probably find your own. I hope I’ll eventually find the right balance myself. 

At this point, I found it useful to open up on this. Make it more real. Explain why I might not have been as active on social media this summer. Share my struggles, my thought process. Maybe you see yourself in this.